Special Needs Mama

Every night before bed, I pray for my kids. Every morning I wake up Im grateful to have them. This doesnt mean that Im not exhausted 24/7. Because, trust me, I am. Its okay to be frustrated with parenting. The kids didnt come with a manual, we are kinda just winging it. Some days, I’ve even thought about packing up all my stuff and moving to a new city. Raising a child isnt easy. Its actually one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And Im tired. I pictured parenting going way different to be completely honest!

When I had my first son, 4 years ago, I knew it was more than just the baby blues. I felt like the worlds worst mom. I couldnt get my baby to sleep, he had his nights and days mixed up, I couldnt get the hang of breast feeding, nothing felt natural. I cried probably as much as my newborn if not more! It was months before I even got a full nights sleep. I think he was 6 months old before he slept in his crib. And even after I was sleeping through the night, I still cried. I felt like this should be easier. As the months went on, he was hitting almost all of his milestones but he just wasnt talking. He would repeat a few words here and there but I later started noticing that as he started speaking more, the less I was able to understand him. Once he turned 3 we had him tested for a speech delay and sure enough he started speech therapy within a week! It was devastating that I couldnt even understand my own son. He would get so frustrated he would cry and lock himself in his room. It was a few months after that we really started seeing an improvement. Luckily at this time, my youngest was still an infant.

Now that my oldest has broadened his vocabulary, we have had very few incidents with him. However, months after my youngest was born, I realized something was not right. He was inconsolable, he screamed literally for hours. He was meeting all of his milestones (at least so I thought) just as my oldest had but something was just not right. He would cover his ears everytime someone looked at him and he would scream. He never showed any affection towards my husband or myself. He really didnt like playing with his brother, and the only time he made any kind of interaction was when he needed something. Otherwise it was best to just leave him alone. My pregnancy for him was rough, I had hyperemesis and was bed ridden a lot. Being in bed most of my pregnancy gave me a lot of mom guilt because I couldnt interact with my oldest much. I needed someone else to take care of MY child! I developed severe perinatal depression during this pregnancy.

Hoping this depression would fade once my son made his grand arrival, unfortunately, it got much worse. The lack of sleep, the frustration from him constantly screaming became so tiring. I felt again like the worst mom ever. Why cant this feel more natural? Depression is debilitating, and caring for children is so much harder when you have depression. I got to a point where I physically and emotionally could not hear him scream anymore so I put him in his swing and cried in the bathroom. I screamed into my pillow. I did whatever I had to do in that moment to release that built up frustration. Its been over a year now since I decided to admit myself into a psychiatric hospital and get help for this depression. I couldnt raise my children that way. I couldnt just “make it through the day”.

Today I still cry in the bathroom, because I still have tough days, sometimes weeks, and months. But I found I can enjoy his good days so much more now. I can appreciate that not EVERY DAY is going to be bad. My youngest was diagnosed with an Early Childhood Developmental Delay and a Social-Emotional Impairment. Through all of the screaming, and working through my depression even the slightest amount allowed me to see that something just wasnt right. I could have just kept crying in the bathroom, but once I took care of myself I knew that I could be a better mom to these boys. He may wake up some mornings and I know what the day will bring. I know I wont get much time for me, probably none at all. I know that the television will be the babysitter for my oldest because I need to focus on the baby. I know that Im going to doubt myself a lot and feel like a failure. Im going to wish I had help. But I now know, that not every day will be bad. I have made it through so many of his bad days, I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS ONE TOO! Im exhausted. I say “no” way more than I should. My patience wears thin most days, and Im not great a coping…BUT I AM STILL A GREAT MOM! Regardless, of my imperfections, everyday I choose my kids before anything/anyone else.

My child has special needs and I have depression. The combination can be brutal. But even when you feel like a failure, your kids never think that! Ive been kicked, hit, bit, and pushed more times than I could even count. Most days it feels like im doing this all alone. My husband comes home and most times hes in a GREAT mood after just giving me hell for the past 10 hours. I get frustrated but I also know, that there would be NO WAY my husband could have gotten through the day I had just had. Even when I dont see an end in sight Im still grateful. I now see that I can get through this. Even without “the village”. I dont let many people babysit because I couldnt let them suffer like I do. So when you have a special needs child, i feel like your “village” stays small. Not by choice, but because you become afraid of losing your friends. Not a lot of people understand special needs, especially at such a young age. Most think you are just exaggerating, or even worse…your child is a “spoiled brat”. My child screams because he cant communicate what he wants, NOT because hes spoiled. I get embarrassed going into a grocery store because all he does is screams. I get looks often. Im sure they are thinking, “gosh get control of your kid, lady”. Trust me if I could, I would. Do you think I love going through this EVERY time I need something from the store.

I avoid most social events, and Im sure my friends think Im the worst. If I cant find a sitter, Im definitely NOT going to your party, im definitely NOT going to your movie night, and im definitely NOT going out to eat with you. Its stressful and makes me full of anxiety to even think about going out in public. Maybe that makes me a bad friend. I guess its something I have to accept over time, because no luncheon/party/outing is worth my sanity! Ive become quite the hermit. I used to be such a social butterfly. I’ve changed so much since having my kids, but I dont care. These kids give me purpose. Even though Im exhausted, I have a purpose in this world. To be their mama!