I’ve learned with my youngest, that bad days come…often. Sometimes my patience wears thin, and I hate the mother I am to him. I havent slept much lately so lets just say my patience wears extra thin, so my bad days mixed with his bad days usually doesnt end up well for any of us. My oldest gets the short end of the stick most days. He usually ends up having to find something he can do independently because his brother is very emotional and refuses to play. But every night at bedtime I am reminded that these boys were given to me for a reason. God chose me to be their mama. So we get ready for bed at night and we pray for a better day tomorrow.

I still get overwhelmed. In fact, more times than not. I want people to offer to help, but at the same time why should two people have to suffer? The list of people I trust to watch my kids is slim. Being a special needs mom, I know what its like all day with an emotionally triggered child so why put people through that. No one would EVER want to help out again! But some days we are just SO EXHAUSTED, we wish for the offered help. We dont know how we can make it ANOTHER MINUTE!! But the crazy thing is, we do. TIME AFTER TIME! We always make it. Even with bags under our eyes and bruises on our bodies. We make it.

I suffer from clinical depression, PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder. How can a mother be a mother to their kids when they are falling apart themselves? Ive been told that self care is essential in recovery. SELF CARE AS A MOTHER??!! WHAT?!?! I go days without a shower, I often forget to eat, my nails are not done, my hair is going grey, I really only get dressed if I absolutely HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! Self care to me lately has been just surviving the day. I have panic attacks so much now that its becoming a pretty usual part of my day. But our bodies are amazingly made, I still get up out of my bed in the morning, with the attitude that “I at least have to try”. Not try and be perfect, but just try. Because truth be told, Im hanging on by a thread, but Im still doing it. Im still their mom and Im the best mom I can be for them today, and tomorrow Im going to be the best mom I can for them. Even if all I do is hold my youngest against my chest while he has an episode, because in that moment he felt loved. And isnt that the main goal as a mother? To make them feel loved, to be their safe place?

My children will never have to wonder where to go for a hug. Because even when Im at my weakest parts of my life, Im the strongest when Im their mom. This is how we do it, mamas. These kids put our pieces back together again. They are proof that we are doing something right even when we feel we’ve failed. If you are reading this as a mother who is TIRED, remember bad days do NOT equal a bad life. Good days are to come! If you are reading this and you are a supporter to moms with mental illness, let me tell you this…OFFER YOUR HELP! Stop over and let them take a shower, or go grocery shopping alone. Or just offer to sit with them and let them vent. Because boy, do we have things to vent about! #mentalmama

Every night before bed, I pray for my kids. Every morning I wake up Im grateful to have them. This doesnt mean that Im not exhausted 24/7. Because, trust me, I am. Its okay to be frustrated with parenting. The kids didnt come with a manual, we are kinda just winging it. Some days, I’ve even thought about packing up all my stuff and moving to a new city. Raising a child isnt easy. Its actually one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And Im tired. I pictured parenting going way different to be completely honest!

When I had my first son, 4 years ago, I knew it was more than just the baby blues. I felt like the worlds worst mom. I couldnt get my baby to sleep, he had his nights and days mixed up, I couldnt get the hang of breast feeding, nothing felt natural. I cried probably as much as my newborn if not more! It was months before I even got a full nights sleep. I think he was 6 months old before he slept in his crib. And even after I was sleeping through the night, I still cried. I felt like this should be easier. As the months went on, he was hitting almost all of his milestones but he just wasnt talking. He would repeat a few words here and there but I later started noticing that as he started speaking more, the less I was able to understand him. Once he turned 3 we had him tested for a speech delay and sure enough he started speech therapy within a week! It was devastating that I couldnt even understand my own son. He would get so frustrated he would cry and lock himself in his room. It was a few months after that we really started seeing an improvement. Luckily at this time, my youngest was still an infant.

Now that my oldest has broadened his vocabulary, we have had very few incidents with him. However, months after my youngest was born, I realized something was not right. He was inconsolable, he screamed literally for hours. He was meeting all of his milestones (at least so I thought) just as my oldest had but something was just not right. He would cover his ears everytime someone looked at him and he would scream. He never showed any affection towards my husband or myself. He really didnt like playing with his brother, and the only time he made any kind of interaction was when he needed something. Otherwise it was best to just leave him alone. My pregnancy for him was rough, I had hyperemesis and was bed ridden a lot. Being in bed most of my pregnancy gave me a lot of mom guilt because I couldnt interact with my oldest much. I needed someone else to take care of MY child! I developed severe perinatal depression during this pregnancy.

Hoping this depression would fade once my son made his grand arrival, unfortunately, it got much worse. The lack of sleep, the frustration from him constantly screaming became so tiring. I felt again like the worst mom ever. Why cant this feel more natural? Depression is debilitating, and caring for children is so much harder when you have depression. I got to a point where I physically and emotionally could not hear him scream anymore so I put him in his swing and cried in the bathroom. I screamed into my pillow. I did whatever I had to do in that moment to release that built up frustration. Its been over a year now since I decided to admit myself into a psychiatric hospital and get help for this depression. I couldnt raise my children that way. I couldnt just “make it through the day”.

Today I still cry in the bathroom, because I still have tough days, sometimes weeks, and months. But I found I can enjoy his good days so much more now. I can appreciate that not EVERY DAY is going to be bad. My youngest was diagnosed with an Early Childhood Developmental Delay and a Social-Emotional Impairment. Through all of the screaming, and working through my depression even the slightest amount allowed me to see that something just wasnt right. I could have just kept crying in the bathroom, but once I took care of myself I knew that I could be a better mom to these boys. He may wake up some mornings and I know what the day will bring. I know I wont get much time for me, probably none at all. I know that the television will be the babysitter for my oldest because I need to focus on the baby. I know that Im going to doubt myself a lot and feel like a failure. Im going to wish I had help. But I now know, that not every day will be bad. I have made it through so many of his bad days, I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS ONE TOO! Im exhausted. I say “no” way more than I should. My patience wears thin most days, and Im not great a coping…BUT I AM STILL A GREAT MOM! Regardless, of my imperfections, everyday I choose my kids before anything/anyone else.

My child has special needs and I have depression. The combination can be brutal. But even when you feel like a failure, your kids never think that! Ive been kicked, hit, bit, and pushed more times than I could even count. Most days it feels like im doing this all alone. My husband comes home and most times hes in a GREAT mood after just giving me hell for the past 10 hours. I get frustrated but I also know, that there would be NO WAY my husband could have gotten through the day I had just had. Even when I dont see an end in sight Im still grateful. I now see that I can get through this. Even without “the village”. I dont let many people babysit because I couldnt let them suffer like I do. So when you have a special needs child, i feel like your “village” stays small. Not by choice, but because you become afraid of losing your friends. Not a lot of people understand special needs, especially at such a young age. Most think you are just exaggerating, or even worse…your child is a “spoiled brat”. My child screams because he cant communicate what he wants, NOT because hes spoiled. I get embarrassed going into a grocery store because all he does is screams. I get looks often. Im sure they are thinking, “gosh get control of your kid, lady”. Trust me if I could, I would. Do you think I love going through this EVERY time I need something from the store.

I avoid most social events, and Im sure my friends think Im the worst. If I cant find a sitter, Im definitely NOT going to your party, im definitely NOT going to your movie night, and im definitely NOT going out to eat with you. Its stressful and makes me full of anxiety to even think about going out in public. Maybe that makes me a bad friend. I guess its something I have to accept over time, because no luncheon/party/outing is worth my sanity! Ive become quite the hermit. I used to be such a social butterfly. I’ve changed so much since having my kids, but I dont care. These kids give me purpose. Even though Im exhausted, I have a purpose in this world. To be their mama!

“Mother’s cannot give from a depleted source. “

I am depressed. I am anxious. But most importantly I am a mother. A mother with depression and anxiety.

Why do this?

• Because I know Im not the only mama who struggles
• Because I dont believe that I have gone through these hardships for nothing, I want to use my struggles to help other mamas like me!

I have two beautiful boys that I love more than anything in this world. No one in this world could love them like I do. So what could I possibly have to be depressed about, right? Well life wasn’t always so great, bad enough that I got diagnosed later with PTSD. PTSD isnt just for combat soldiers I found out. I met my high school sweetheart, got married and had these 2 beautiful boys. My heart is so full of love, but I still cry almost everyday. I cant just “snap out of it” I cant “let the past go”. Im currently writing this at 3 am, so I can safely say that Im not sleeping well either. I am not saying that I know all about depression and anxiety and that everything I say on here is accurate. I really want to use this blog to just vent the everyday frustrations of being a mom with mental illness.

I am doing my best daily to keep my tiny humans alive. I am not a perfect mom, but Im trying. I may not have my ducks in a row…or even all in the same pond, but I get up every morning and try. I probably drink too much coffee and I use “the mom bun” as my everyday look, I cry secretly in the bathroom, my kids eat processed food and sometimes have cereal for dinner, but like I said earlier…Im doing my best!

I hope that other moms that read this blog find comfort in the fact that IM NOT OKAY, AND THATS OKAY!!! Its okay for you to not be okay too!